Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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