I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
