I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
