Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
