im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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