i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
