My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
