You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
