She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
