Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
