So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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