Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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