So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
