it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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