My underwear smells like fireworks.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Randomize
