Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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