I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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