my vag is so smooth its legendary
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
