Sry I called you an 8
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Randomize
