you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Randomize
