stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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