Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
