But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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