So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
