why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
