He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
