does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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