he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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