I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
