And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
