the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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