Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
