He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
