I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
