Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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