After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
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