Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
