Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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