Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
