Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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