Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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