my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
