I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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