So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
