I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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