I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
