as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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