you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
