She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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