you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
