Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
