we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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