I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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