shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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