I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
