The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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