dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
