It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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