ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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