R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
In other news, I just burned my penis
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
