Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
