Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
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