Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
