i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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