I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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